The Vile, Nasty Tories Are At It Again

From here.

I just saw some economic figures reported in the Guardian. I don’t don’t normally read the newspapers – especially not the Guardian, which is the flip side of the Daily Mail – apart from the little Times app on my phone, but this caught my attention.

The vile, nasty Tories are at it again. How dare they? I mean look at the disturbing facts below… frankly, I’m disgusted that I’m part of the Tory economic narrative…

“The pound jumped more than a cent against the dollar after the news” that the Tories won a majority. UK Plc is now that slight bit richer than it was. This is shameful. How? Why? We have no right to be!

“The Office for National Statistics said the unemployment rate fell to 5.5% in the three months to March, down from 5.6% the previous month. The drop of 35,000 in the number of unemployed people took the total to 1.82 million, a seven-year low.” A seven-year low! Why that was before the worldwide recession hit us?! What on earth are we doing with this country?! All of Europe is suffering from slow growth and high unemployment, we should be too! Solidarity innit?

“The UK’s unemployment rate is the second-lowest in the EU after Germany, and compares with the highest rates of 25% in Greece and 23% in Spain.” Unacceptable! How could we possibly be better off than all the countries in the EU? Why can’t we be more like Greece or Spain? They have sunny weather, don’t they? Ibiza is in Spain, innit?

“Employment also improved, with the number of people in work rising by 202,000 in the three months to March to more than 31 million, the highest since records began in 1971.” The highest since records began. Well the records are wrong. I don’t agree with the records. I’m going to spray a WWII monument because of this.

“The UK has an employment rate of 73.5%, which is also a record,”. Record? We’re not here to make records in employment figures! We’re here to make sure everyone has an iPhone!

“…although for men the figure is even higher at 78.4%.” That’s it! The Tories hate women. They only pretend that the first ever and only Prime Minister of the United Kingdom was a woman. Or that there are more women in the current cabinet than ever before. We like Blair’s Babes, not Cameron’s Cuties. Blair had babes, Cameron has cuties. That’s how we see it.

“Some 70,000 of the extra workers were drawn from the over-65s.” WTF is that all about? What are these old fogies doing in jobs? Surely they should be claiming some kind of disability benefits and picking up free bus passes and gas vouchers? This is all wrong!

“He (Carney) said many of the jobs created in recent years were taken by younger workers who were less productive than those with more experience.” Younger people have less experience? What a preposterous idea! Young people rock. And rap. Same thing, innit?

“Figures from the Office for National Statistics showed that total wage growth climbed back to 1.9% in March after a dip in February, while regular wages, which exclude bonuses, hit 2.2%. Since inflation dropped to about zero at the beginning of this year, real wages have soared.” We don’t like ‘soared’. That doesn’t sound good. We’re not meant to soar. Soaring is for the birds.

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